By Sara Jane

Forgiveness, what does it mean to you?

So many of us have been taught that we have to forgive others but is it really all about the other person or do we have to take some responsibility for allowing others to “get to us”.

Is the path to peace more about forgiving ourselves for taking on board other people’s “stuff” and allowing it to hurt us?

We are responsible for our actions and reactions, for our judgements and monkey mind over thinking of things.

Instead of judging and letting our thoughts run riot in their usual negative way, could we not stop and ask the question “What has happened or is happening in their life that has made them say or do what they did?”

We are not condoning, we are understanding rather than compounding the situation with judgement.

Forgive and Forget

When we forgive, should we forget or maybe it is more about remembering the lesson learnt from a situation and making choices to move forward with a greater awareness of ourselves. Also setting boundaries to protect ourselves.

And if for any reason the same or similar experience occurs again, we will be in a different place within ourselves to effect a different outcome because of what we learnt the first time round.

Every experience is a chance to learn and grow if we choose to accept the challenge.

Is there a connection between anger and not forgiving?

For me this is an excellent question and a suggestion, before you read further, let yourself ponder it.

What is your immediate reaction to the question?

Where does your mind take you?

Be honest with yourself.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” widely attributed to the Buddha

When we don’t, won’t or can’t forgive another, it is as if we are giving our monkey mind free range to rage over and over and over again never letting go of what has happened and letting it steel our today and as many tomorrows as it can until we call a halt to it.

Put another way “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” although this quote has been attributed to a number of people including Buddha, Saint Augustine and Nelson Mandela, there is no definitive answer as to who said it first.

What forgiveness can do for me

For me the first person to forgive is ourselves (as I said in my beginning comments), for allowing another person’s words or actions to affect us in a negative way.

I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

It is so true, therefore forgiving ourselves supports us in taking our power back and can strengthen us against others trying to do the same to us.

By forgiving the other person or people, you are cutting any hold they may have over you, you are detaching yourself from their energy and freeing yourself to move forward within your own life.

It is always your choice if they stay in your life or you move forward without them.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Being non-judgemental, open-minded and being aware that others may have had traumatic experiences or are going through a difficult time, which is why they are doing or saying things that hurt others It isn’t condoning the situation, it is coming from a place of understanding.

A place of caring and knowing you don’t have to take their “stuff” on board.

Forgiveness is the gift of freedom and calms the mind from the mayhem of anger.

Copyright © Sara Jane 2026